Celebrating the Holiday  7-4-12


Several clients have inquired as to our plans to celebrate the 4th of July. The astute reader may recall that last year we were guests at Marina Towers overlooking the Bay. We had an 11th floor vantage point courtesy of the property manager for the condo tower. The view of the Bay from the balcony was nothing short of spectacular. We even brought guests and no, I did not charge them. What a difference a year can make. It turns out the manager (whom we shall call Brian) was not allowed to throw 4th of July parties in vacant condo units. In addition, the board was visibly upset to learn that Brian had embezzled $56,000 for "personal expenses" over a three year period. Oooops. He has proven elusive, and is not yet incarcerated as of this writing. But the fact that Brian is still on the run puts a complete damper on our chances of a repeat invitation. 
We will not be setting off fireworks in our neighborhood either. How were we to know that the roof of the church behind us was so darn flammable? My position on that situation remains the same...either go with the tile roof in the first place or DON'T put your garden hose away on the 4th!
 Out of necessity, our plans this year are scaled down dramatically. As of this time, we intend to stay at home with a microphone and a powerful amplifier. Due to a recent large shipment of protein drinks, we have ample quantities of bubble wrap on hand. Low key? Undoubtedly. But I would also like to point out this will be an economical and extremely green, low carbon-footprint way to add some "pop" to the holiday. Sue says I am just being cheap.  Happy 4th! 

Shootout continued   6-25-12

Our client Johnnie claimed that she had never fired a gun before. The man behind the counter was very patient with us as we tried different handguns to find the one that fit Johnnie's hand the best. He barely flinched when she inadvertently pointed one of them at him. In the end we decided to fire the guns that Susan and I had brought and resolved to zero in on favorite style of gun for Johnnie from there. As I mentioned in the previous post, she insisted on covering our costs for the range time and even for the modest yearly membership fee. We picked out some simple paper targets...the ones with Osama Bin Laden were no longer offered. We borrowed some ear protection and were off to the anteroom that led to one section of the indoor range. Ear and eye protection in place, we opened the heavy door of the range to the accompaniment of loud percussive explosions. There were 10 lanes and 9 of them were filled and active. We stepped into our assigned 6th lane and laid our guns and ammo on the counter. I stapled a target onto a cardboard backing and hit the switch that sent it whizzing out to 25 feet. Sue's 38 Smith and Wesson Airweight was already loaded (it always is) so she stepped up and shot first. Each round pierced the heart of the target as flame shot out of the barrel. Muggers and rapists instinctively avoid Sue and her shooting provides instant validation for their caution. Johnnie's eyes widened a little as Sue reloaded and I hinted that Johnnie would be the next to shoot. After a brief lesson on grip and aim, Johnnie stepped up to fire a gun for the first time. She shot...and hit the target on her first try!! To be continued.   

Shootout on University and 301   5-27-12

Although Johnnie claimed
she had never fired a gun before,
she hit the target most of the time!
Very suspicious.

One of our more adventurous clients suggested recently that we go shooting together sometime. I suppose she assumed that since we hailed from Detroit and I had worked as a private investigator for a time that we had a certain familiarity with handguns. We do. Our favorite shooting range down here in Sarasota is Take Aim, and we told "Johnnie" that we would be delighted to take her shooting with us. We gathered up our revolvers and semi-automatics and picked her up at her GORGEOUS condo. It overlooks the Ringling Bridge and from now on we will ask Johnnie to stay at the Hyatt whenever we entertain out-of-town guests and pretend the condo is ours. 
Upon our arrival at Take Aim, we spoke with an employee at the counter who "fitted" Johnnie for various handguns as she contemplated a future purchase. Johnnie insisted on paying for the range time and ALL THREE of our membership renewals despite my protests. By the time she bought our ammo as well, I was more than a little embarrassed. But she was adamant....to be continued 

Turmoil in the Large Aquarium   5-8-12
No sooner did we get the water in the 125 gallon fish tank cleared up than storm clouds appeared. I am referring, of course, to the two new Oscars that we adopted. After multiple assurances to the young man that responded to my ad on Craigslist that his pets would be well cared for, after 30 minutes or so I had severe doubts. There was a great deal of um...conflict when the new fish were introduced. Okay, okay, there was a WAR. The new fish were slightly larger than our two, but they were on unfamiliar territory after the stress of being removed from their home and transported. At first my Oscars just did some posturing. Then then started biting. Fortunately, Oscars do not have teeth. But their jaws are strong, and damage to fins and tails was soon inflicted to the newcomers in spite of their attempts to find elsewhere to swim. I separated them with a plastic poker as best I could. Just as it got ugly and started to turn into a rout, the timer clicked and the lights in the tank went off! The effect was almost immediate. The fish paired up in the gloom and drifted off to opposite ends of the tank. To be continued....

We have prevailed  4-27-12


 The long battle appears to be over. The seemingly unbeatable foe has been vanquished. The algae that has plagued both the front and back fish tanks has been destroyed by science. I purchased a UV sterilizer for the front tank over the internet. A UV sterilizer sucks in small amounts of water and allows it to flow around an ultraviolet light bulb. Any living organisms that linger in front of the bulb for more than a few seconds are extinguished. Then the water and the dead organisms flow back out to the main tank. I found a larger, more powerful sterilizer at PetSmart and it seemed to be priced far lower that I had expected. They were asking $80 for a model that was selling for $220 on Ebay. After checking with the salesman, I snatched it back and made a mad dash for the register before the half-wit could check his price sheets. The cashier rang it up as marked and ten minutes later it was humming away in the 125 gallon tank. The tank looked clearer the next morning, but after months of battling this insidious pea soup, I was reluctant to declare victory. Two days later, however, the despised green water had given way to a liquid of such clarity that one after another of you could only stare in delight. See below. 

There now, is that
clear enough for you?

Rich's Wedding 4-11-12

Normally, I cannot get too close to an engagement or wedding ring. If I do, I have found that I can no longer see through walls or leap tall buildings with a single bound, and I become much slower than a speeding bullet. Thus it was with some trepidation that I accepted an invitation to the wedding of our client Rich (the massage therapist). It turned out I was very glad that I did. The ceremony was held outside at Palma Sola Botannical Park in Bradenton. The setting was idyllic, to say the least. A superb sound system guaranteed every word of the ceremony could be heard, but I thought I would miss seeing the actual exchange of rings when a large woman in a pink floral dress sat down in front of me. Some last minute seat shifting allowed me to see the participants, but I was repeatedly distracted by the large woman. Her dress was sleeveless and one could not help but notice that her arms were considerably larger than mine. Envy rears its ugly head when you least expect it.   To be continued.

Thunder and Lightning 4-5-12

No, the title of this one is not what I call my left and right fists. It refers to the natural events.
I did not think I was scared of thunderstorms, but apparently I am. I used to find the blowing winds and lightning and havoc outside rather soothing actually, until I was informed about five years ago that I do not. For the past five years, Sasha the sled dog has insisted on seeking me out during these storms. If I am sleeping, she finds the part of me nearest to the edge of the bed and pokes at it with her nose until I wake up. Then she points out the bright flashes and the loud noises that would have awakened me at any moment. After this she searches for my hand and soothes me by insisting that I pat her head and play with her ears until I begin to find some comfort in doing so. You must understand that she has no fear of these events herself. She has told me this many times. Sasha has become so adept at consoling me soon after these events begin that I no longer "dread" them. Last night just such an event occured. It would have been very scary except for my brave companion. I hope I can get over this fear before my furry aged guardian finally goes to that big storm in the sky.