Shootout on University and 301   5-27-12

Although Johnnie claimed
she had never fired a gun before,
she hit the target most of the time!
Very suspicious.

One of our more adventurous clients suggested recently that we go shooting together sometime. I suppose she assumed that since we hailed from Detroit and I had worked as a private investigator for a time that we had a certain familiarity with handguns. We do. Our favorite shooting range down here in Sarasota is Take Aim, and we told "Johnnie" that we would be delighted to take her shooting with us. We gathered up our revolvers and semi-automatics and picked her up at her GORGEOUS condo. It overlooks the Ringling Bridge and from now on we will ask Johnnie to stay at the Hyatt whenever we entertain out-of-town guests and pretend the condo is ours. 
Upon our arrival at Take Aim, we spoke with an employee at the counter who "fitted" Johnnie for various handguns as she contemplated a future purchase. Johnnie insisted on paying for the range time and ALL THREE of our membership renewals despite my protests. By the time she bought our ammo as well, I was more than a little embarrassed. But she was adamant....to be continued 

Turmoil in the Large Aquarium   5-8-12
No sooner did we get the water in the 125 gallon fish tank cleared up than storm clouds appeared. I am referring, of course, to the two new Oscars that we adopted. After multiple assurances to the young man that responded to my ad on Craigslist that his pets would be well cared for, after 30 minutes or so I had severe doubts. There was a great deal of um...conflict when the new fish were introduced. Okay, okay, there was a WAR. The new fish were slightly larger than our two, but they were on unfamiliar territory after the stress of being removed from their home and transported. At first my Oscars just did some posturing. Then then started biting. Fortunately, Oscars do not have teeth. But their jaws are strong, and damage to fins and tails was soon inflicted to the newcomers in spite of their attempts to find elsewhere to swim. I separated them with a plastic poker as best I could. Just as it got ugly and started to turn into a rout, the timer clicked and the lights in the tank went off! The effect was almost immediate. The fish paired up in the gloom and drifted off to opposite ends of the tank. To be continued....

We have prevailed  4-27-12


 The long battle appears to be over. The seemingly unbeatable foe has been vanquished. The algae that has plagued both the front and back fish tanks has been destroyed by science. I purchased a UV sterilizer for the front tank over the internet. A UV sterilizer sucks in small amounts of water and allows it to flow around an ultraviolet light bulb. Any living organisms that linger in front of the bulb for more than a few seconds are extinguished. Then the water and the dead organisms flow back out to the main tank. I found a larger, more powerful sterilizer at PetSmart and it seemed to be priced far lower that I had expected. They were asking $80 for a model that was selling for $220 on Ebay. After checking with the salesman, I snatched it back and made a mad dash for the register before the half-wit could check his price sheets. The cashier rang it up as marked and ten minutes later it was humming away in the 125 gallon tank. The tank looked clearer the next morning, but after months of battling this insidious pea soup, I was reluctant to declare victory. Two days later, however, the despised green water had given way to a liquid of such clarity that one after another of you could only stare in delight. See below. 

There now, is that
clear enough for you?

Rich's Wedding 4-11-12

Normally, I cannot get too close to an engagement or wedding ring. If I do, I have found that I can no longer see through walls or leap tall buildings with a single bound, and I become much slower than a speeding bullet. Thus it was with some trepidation that I accepted an invitation to the wedding of our client Rich (the massage therapist). It turned out I was very glad that I did. The ceremony was held outside at Palma Sola Botannical Park in Bradenton. The setting was idyllic, to say the least. A superb sound system guaranteed every word of the ceremony could be heard, but I thought I would miss seeing the actual exchange of rings when a large woman in a pink floral dress sat down in front of me. Some last minute seat shifting allowed me to see the participants, but I was repeatedly distracted by the large woman. Her dress was sleeveless and one could not help but notice that her arms were considerably larger than mine. Envy rears its ugly head when you least expect it.   To be continued.

Thunder and Lightning 4-5-12

No, the title of this one is not what I call my left and right fists. It refers to the natural events.
I did not think I was scared of thunderstorms, but apparently I am. I used to find the blowing winds and lightning and havoc outside rather soothing actually, until I was informed about five years ago that I do not. For the past five years, Sasha the sled dog has insisted on seeking me out during these storms. If I am sleeping, she finds the part of me nearest to the edge of the bed and pokes at it with her nose until I wake up. Then she points out the bright flashes and the loud noises that would have awakened me at any moment. After this she searches for my hand and soothes me by insisting that I pat her head and play with her ears until I begin to find some comfort in doing so. You must understand that she has no fear of these events herself. She has told me this many times. Sasha has become so adept at consoling me soon after these events begin that I no longer "dread" them. Last night just such an event occured. It would have been very scary except for my brave companion. I hope I can get over this fear before my furry aged guardian finally goes to that big storm in the sky.

From Famine to Feast Conclusion 3-30-12

Admittedly, the house salad, when the correct version finally came, was very good. Was it "wait for 35 minutes to get the order right" good? Not exactly. Just as the last cherry tomato disappeared off my plate, some kind of manager-guy approached with our sandwiches. We stared in disbelief. My "fish sandwich" was a GIANT piece of Tilapia or gouper or something equally succulent and tender. It had the slightest murmer of a perfectly seasoned reddish orange breading surrounding the entire, double the-size-of-your-hand piece. It dwarfed the sliced, crusty Cuban bread that attempted to surround the fish only to end up perfectly complimenting it. Susan's chicken sandwich was quite good as well, she claimed. Was my sandwich worth waiting 40 minutes for? As far-fetched as it sounds...perhaps it was. The tip was back up to 15% by now and climbing. A quick, unrequested refill on my diet coke sent it to 18%. As I ate, the bartender/slash barmaid arrived at work. She was at least 5'7" with long curly brunette hair and she wore spray-painted-on leather pants that did not come close to covering her hips. She had a shiny satin tube top on that "pushed things up" dramatically. She looked like a fourth year college student, which as it turned out is exactly what she was. Like a scene from Little Havana, a gaggle of old Cuban men gradually drifted in from out of nowhere and seated themselves at the bar, ordering drinks and flirting. A few glanced sideways at Susan, who usually prevails in any impromptu cleavage contests and did this day, but a second glance in my direction convinced them to re-focus their attentions on the bartender. Susan claims that men are much friendlier to her when I am sitting at home, and it was interesting to witness them trying mightily to ignore her as I paid for lunch. We intend to try Prana again next month.

From Famine to Feast Cont...3-28-12

After we were seated, the service went downhill. I ordered a diet coke and Susan asked for water. The owner became a little distracted. A grubby guy at the register was asking to see him. The grubby guy represented a band and wanted to talk to the owner about hiring the band to play at Prana on weekends. Grubby produced a CD and recited several styles of music that the band could perform. The owner asked him to wait while he went into the kitchen. Just six minutes later, he came back with our drinks. Yes, people, I time wait staff, particularly if they are off to a slow start...their tip depends heavily on the accumulated minutes. Grubby continued his attempts to sell his band the owner. I found myself hoping that Grubby sang better than he talked. Personally, I thought the guy should have brought a laptop with him, flipped it open, and showed the owner a video of his band playing in a similar environment...but what do I know about marketing or blogging or even Search Engine Optimization anyway? I just lift weights...and wash my clothes on a regular basis, unlike Grubby. The owner told Grubby to cool his heels while he continued to wait on the only other occupied table and kibbitz with the people at it. After 10 long minutes, he came to take our order. I asked him what sandwiches were good, and he assured me that the fish sandwich was a top choice. I ordered it along with the house salad, enticed by the promise of avocodos, cherry tomatoes and several types of lettuce with a Guatemalen dressng. Susan ordered the chicken sandwich and the $6 bean soup. Just 10 minutes later the teeniest, tiniest cup came out, along with a plate of lettuce and onions. Our waiter was off and running back to the other table before I could say "Where are my avocados?" I flagged him down after his 2nd trip to the kitchen. He apologized, grabbed the plate, and disappeared into the kitchen yet again. Just nine minutes later, he reappeared with the correct salad, blaming himself instead of the chef. It was far too late by then to ask for a couple of oyster crackers for the bean soup. His tip was well into the negative zone by this time, but we had already commited too much time to go elsewhere. To be cont....