Getting cold up north 10-28-12

We have been down here for over three years now and still enjoy watching the temperatures plunge at this time of year back in Michigan. Every week the highs are a little lower and the lows are lower still. My parents live 25 miles north of Detroit and I have noticed a clear discrepancy between what the Weather Channel reports and what my mom reports. I choose to believe my mom of course...and I don't care what that little scamp Stephanie Abrams tells me on her morning report...no matter how cute her little dimples are, or how coyly she tosses her hair and smiles at me. Back to the subject. The "high" temp that you see on the Weather Channel means that the temperature, after a great deal of struggle throughout the afternoon, managed to reach the posted figure for about seven seconds before falling back down again. Please keep in mind that the trees are mostly just very tall sticks by now, the grass is dead, and the sky is filled with huge gray clouds that constantly threaten rain. For some unknown reason, the lows are much lower than what the Weather Channel would have one believe. My mom reports a variance of as much as eight degrees. My personal theory for this is that Michigan retailers pay off the Weather Channel to lie! If everyone knew the actual temperature at night and realized that they were just a malfunctioning furnace away from being found frozen in their beds the next morning...they would head down here to Florida well before Christmas...and probably even before Black Friday.

It's official  10-16-12

Classic has officially begun working out clients at our new location. We are now at 4525 S. Tamiami Trail. Our phone number is the same, but our hours have unofficially expanded thanks to Shaz, our famous New York City trainer and nutritionist. He has now met with clients as early as seven am! Doesn't this man know what sleep is? While I am asking questions that I do not currently have the answers to, how about this: Why does Shaz appear to be so much taller than I am until we stand side by side in the gym mirrors? I doubted his claim of being only six feet tall, and I would wager he suspected mine as being slightly exaggerated. The mirror provided all of the necessary evidence to an intrigued clientele. We both have six packs, but I will readily allow that his waist is smaller than mine. I will also wager Shaz cannot consume ten pieces of broasted chicken at Der Dutchman in one sitting...and probably has no desire to do so. On another subject, Classic welcomes back Sue and Jim  D. Michigan grew cold rather early this year, and the D's packed up their Chihuahuas and came back to their true home on Siesta Key. Sue assured me she tried to retain a Michigan trainer for the summer, but none were available in close proximity to their summer home. Or could it be that every last worthwhile trainer left in Michigan decided to head for warmer climes as we did three years ago? I know what your are thinking...if Jim and Sue are down already, can Rob S. from Toledo be far behind? Oh...you weren't thinking that? He lost 35 pounds at Classic over the last two seasons, but we still have five to go! He had better arrive soon so that we can get started. 

Relocating Rumors?  10-2-13

By this time, many of you have heard the rumors that Classic Personal Trainer is relocating. Let me reassure you...the rumors are true. On October 13th and 14th, we are moving 1.8 miles north of our current location. Our new address will be 4525 South Tamiami Trail. Do you know where the Honey Baked Ham store is located? Sure you do. We are the next building north. Not sure about the Ham store? Then you must know where Alpine Steakhouse is located...and we are directly across the Trail from that. There will be many, many advantages to this new location. The one we are looking forward to the most is the brand new air conditioning unit that has just been installed. On Sunday, it was 90 degrees inside the building upon our arrival. The outside temp was similar. I switched the unit from off to cool, and 24 minutes later the blower cycled off...at 70 degrees! I suspect that we could use the gym as a meat locker in an emergency. This is going to contrast sharply with our current location, where it would be charitable to say that the air labors to stay in the 76 degree range four months out of the year. 
Would you like to read about another exciting feature of the new location? Of course you would. Clients coming from the north will need to turn left to enter our parking lot. Turning left will be easy, because we have our own traffic light at Field Road! The same is true of southbound clients upon leaving the parking lot...left turns onto Tamiami are a cinch. Next week I shall boast about the nearly unlimited parking in the rear of the building, the easy access through the back door, and the motion detectors and security cameras.   

Just got the news  9-23-12

Somebody emailed me a pic this morning. It looks an awful lot like the left hand of somebody I work out with on Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning. The brand new engagement ring on this hand looks like one that another client of mine would have selected. I work out with him on Tuesday afternoons and Saturday mornings. Beth M is giddy after receiving a ring from Dave K! I got a little bit woozy myself after looking at the pic. I am confident this ring cost more than my Corvette. 

Unfortunately, I cannot get too close to a diamond engagement ring. When I do, I have found that I can no longer leap tall buildings with a single bound...can't see through walls either...and I don't even want to think about racing a speeding bullet if the first two aren't happening. 
Beth and Dave have known each other for about two years now. Did I introduce them? No, this is one time that two clients found each other on their own. I do take credit for the engagement of course. What hot-blooded male could resist Beth after I gave her those hard, toned arms and those firm legs with the perfect quad sweep? Granted the mischievous smile, flowing locks and bright blue eyes were more God's doing than mine, but I don't think Dave would have been as smitten with a couch potato. Dave is quite a bit buffer as well, and is unofficially my second strongest client. Secretly I hope that I am not invited to the wedding, as my sobbing from the back row might disrupt the ceremony. 

Not your typical agent  9-16-12

We have several real estate agents that work out at Classic on a regular basis. I am not completely sure if Tara wants to remain anonymous so I will alter her last name and identify her only as Tara Wolf of Michael Saunders and Associates. 
It has been a very typical past several months for Tara. Let's see...she vacationed in Europe (but who doesn't?) and hung out in Canada in a hot spot 300 miles north of Minnesota. Upon returning, Tara sped off to Boca Raton and bought a BMW for her son (after all, his grades were very good.) Shortly afterward she discovered a FOUR FOOT HIGH bees nest clinging to the eaves of a home she was inspecting. Don't worry, they were not killer bees and no one in the removal service she retained was stung to death. After the bees, it looked as though summer might begin to wind down for Tara until she checked on the former owner at a house she had just sold. No one had seen the lady (in her early sixties) for days, and Tara did some sleuthing. Tara's client had not ventured out...because she was dead! The 911 operator asked Tara to flip the body over to make sure and Tara's workouts at Classic would have enabled her to easily do so, but the maroon and purple color made any further disturbance quite unnecessary. To make matters worse, the poor woman had left a water faucet on prior to her demise! The new owners thus not only have to deal with a possible ghost BUT another 20 bucks or so when the next water bill rolls around! As for Tara, she now has to listen to new potential business slogans from her personal trainer. How about: Tara Wolf is such a good agent that her clients are thrilled to death! No? How about: People are dying to sign up with Tara! Still no? Okay...After Tara sells your home, you can REALLY relax!    

A wild 80th birthday party   9-9-12

One of our clients is named PW. He is originally from Kentucky and the letters are an abbreviation for his first name and middle name...neither of which he uses. After one says the name several times, it begins to grow on you. PW had his leg badly shot up in the Korean war and has survived lung and prostate cancer. He had a triple bypass two years and six months ago. He filtered a huge quantity of both distilled and fermented beverages through his liver and kidneys until he was forty. PW also stopped supporting the tobacco industry at around that time. Needless to say, many of his relatives and long-time friends are ASTOUNDED that he has arrived at his 80th birthday in one piece. The icing on the cake is that the man looks like he is in his early sixties. He plays golf and plays/manages on three different softball teams beginning about this time of year. He still finds time to work out at our facility twice a week when he and his wife aren't cruising the planet's oceans. 
Last Saturday, the staff at Classic attended PW's 80th birthday blowout at Stoneybrook Country Club. There were only about 90 people there...a very intimate affair. The entertainer had a long white pony tail and a repertoire of songs that ranged from Neil Diamond to Johnny Cash. He was fabulous and I want to hire him for my 80th birthday. I began eating immediately by sidestepping the guest of honor and pouncing on the cheese-filled puff balls at the appetizer table. Gradually, I was able to fill my plate with an absolutely delectable mushroom goody presented in a little pastry shell. We soon discovered that the placeholder/name cards on our table were the key to getting fed. One star meant that one had requested the charbroiled pot roast dinner. No stars meant that one had requested the salmon. I had one star on my placeholder...and asked Sue to draw in a second with her pen. It worked! I received TWO dinners, the second arriving soon after the first. Then in a stroke of luck, I visited PW's table of honor and noticed that his granddaughter had not touched her pot roast! She caught me staring and graciously offered it up. I hesitated for a millisecond and then accepted, spiriting it away to my table before anyone else at PW's table noticed the dinner was available. 

Sue danced with PW, but I did not. He seemed to be holding her a little more tightly around the waist than the dance moves required, but they assured me that I was reading too much into it. The astute reader may notice a young man standing in the background of the above picture. He is wearing a short-sleeved black shirt and holding a drink. That young man is Joe, our chief assistant trainer at Classic. He finished his entire dinner. I knew he would. He is a very nice guy but for some reason a little protective whenever he and I go out to eat together.   

Sports Cars, Legroom, and a New Mission  8-26-12
An attorney who works out at Classic has his eye on a slightly used Porsche Panamera. He is six foot five and claims it is the only Porsche that requires him to actually put the seat forward one notch after he gets in. Although it has four doors, I think most readers will agree that it is nevertheless a very sporty looking vehicle. It is 55.8 inches tall, but looks even lower to the ground when it's moving. 

This is the exact color and style of
my Corvette, but I have some gorgeous
Italian  Momo wheels on mine. 

We currently reside very close to the Fitness Studio so I usually walk to work in the morning with my old dog. It takes a while to cover the five-house distance, especially if she has not gone out at night. For this reason most of our clients have not seen my Corvette in the parking lot, which is just as well because I don't have time to give EVERYONE a ride! I have several vehicles but my personal favorite is still this old Corvette, which fits me like a glove after I squeeze through the door. I am only six feet tall and at 55 years old have probably stopped growing, which is a good thing because my Vette is only 46.7 inches tall and more head room is only possible with the top removed...an unpleasant prospect during a Florida thunderstorm.

This car was a LOT slower than it
looks. It had 68 horsepower at it's
disposal---I think my lawn tractor
has more.

One of my first cars was a 1968 Triumph Spitfire. It was a very slow British sports car that combined vibration and impracticality with unreliability and led me to open a very  profitable specialty car repair business. A more appropriate name would have been Spitsblacksmoke or Spitsouttransmissionparts. Although I was already six feet tall when I purchased it, I weighed about 80 pounds less. It was slightly taller than my Corvette...47.6 inches, and would fit beneath the trailer of a tractor/trailer rig! I was quite daring as a teenager but never once drove the vehicle under a moving rig. I remember the seating as being a little tight in my 20's, but the attorney has me wondering if it would now be possible to fit in this vehicle at all any more. I am determined to try. There is a very large car show at Sarasota Square Mall every winter, and I recall seeing several vintage Spitfires there. This year, before dinner--when I am feeling svelte, I am going to the show and pose as an interested Spitfire purchaser. Prior to that, I shall check Ebay for a VERY LARGE shoehorn. All results will be reported here after the show.