Catfish Circling the Drain 1-9-12

I apologize for the continued bad new. The large silver and gray catfish in the front tank is not long for this world either. He went on a hunger strike about 3 weeks ago. The disruption that occurred when the old tank broke stressed him out even more. He was always very jumpy and prone to bashing his nose on the sides of the old tank during furious darts to and fro. I checked his brakes a year ago. He turns out he doesn't have any. The boo boo on his nose refuses to heal this time. His fins continue to deteriorate. I have medicated the water to no avail thus far. I shall ask him discreetly if he has a last will and testament.

RIP Lazerus 12-6-12

I am not going to sugarcoat this. The largest of the two albino Oscars, Lazerus, has died. As you know, the main fish tank cracked and he and Eminem were relegated to the same 5 gallon bucket until sufficient water could be conditioned for the new tank. Alas, there was not enough oxygen in the bucket to support both fish. A few close friends swam in for the funeral, but we did not have time for eloborate preparations due to the short notice. On a more upbeat note, a bit of gossip. Many of the morning clients know Wes and his wife Johnnie. But Johnnie was not always married to Wes. At one point, Johnnie was married to a professional baseball pitcher! That's right---the man pitched for several seasons with the Washington Senators! What other little tidbits about her past has Johnnie left out? I shall find out and report back here forthwith.  

Computer fixed after a messy affair 1-1-12

Happy New Year from the staff at Classic. That last year went by fast, didn't it? I have not posted for some time for a very good reason. Eight days ago ( on Christmas Eve) I walked into the gym to find the last four gallons of the large (72 gallon) fish tank leaking onto the floor. The albino Oscars, Lazerus and Eminem, were flopping around on the bottom. Panga, the large catfish, was doing likewise. They were pretty mad and VERY concerned. I rushed to a clean bucket and began drawing conditioned water out of the front tank. I scooped the Oscars into the bucket and wrestled Panga into the back ten gallon fish tank that is normally reserved for goldfish.
The top brace on the tank had split! As a result the sides bowed out, and the flat glass at the back of the tank split vertically! My best guess is that the leaking began not more than five minutes before I walked in. Five more minutes, and the fish would have been goners. Nevertheless, neither Oscar showed any appreciation whatsoever. Both moped on their sides at the bottom of their bucket, looking up at me with a forlorn eye. Lazerus kept moving his lips, and I was able to tell what he was saying. "This is the worst Christmas ever," he claimed. It was not until later that I noticed the screen on my computer was dimmer...as though the deluge from the fish tank had soaked the power supply on the floor, which is exactly what happened. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would have to switch to my backup computer. We had to act fast. There are several large tanks for sale at any one time on Craigslist, but the holiday might present a problem when it came to contacting the sellers.  To be cont...

Gambling Problem? 12-19-11

Jim M. likes to bet against the Detroit Lions. The problem is, they won again yesterday. I am originally from Detroit and am happy to take Jim's money. Jim is out still another 5 dollars and now Patti's entire Christmas is in jeopardy. This may put me in the awkward position of having to purchase a Christmas present for Patti if I wind up with all of Jim's money. At least he always pays his debts.

Mark accepting yet another
payoff from Jim M.

Interesting Pasts 12-14-11

We are continually surprised by what some of our clients do or did for a living. I worked out yesterday with Carl. He is a retired entertainment attorney. He was involved with some obscure company called Sony Entertainment Corp! He had literally dozens of celebrity clients. He mentioned one that I had never heard of--some singer named Dolly Parton. Probably one of those one hit wonders that you read about. Another current client is older now and selling real estate here in Sarasota. I cannot reveal her real name, but let us just say that it might rhyme with Candy. She is still quite the little blond vixen and I am just now beginning to unearth some of her past exploits. There are nevertheless a lot of unanswered questions that remain....How did she get into the Miami Dolphins locker room in 1975 and who dared her to take a shower while the team practiced on the field? Did she intend to get "surprised" when they came back in? If not, why did she take so long to "rinse off?" And what linebacker discovered that he could not resist "Candy?" Stay tuned.

Cleaning Help 12-8-11

The trash bags fill up fast here at Classic Personal Trainer. Empty water bottles accumulate quickly---wadded up paper towels, empty soda cans, wrappers from protein bars, and cartons from shakes are contributors as well. All manner of crumpled paper products fill any gaps left over. And yes...there is even a large amount of white dog fur in there. Our back office generates mountains of paper and plastic refuse. Joe and I empty most of these cans on a regular basis. Joe shampoos the floor at least once per week, and the whole place gets painstakingly disinfected from top to bottom twice per week. Supplies need to be stocked every day in the cooler and freezer, mirrors need to be squeegeed, and dozens of other maintenance tasks need to be performed monthly.
I have written about Laura, one of our trainers, before. Many of you know her parents, Dave and Cindy, who are back working out in the mornings after a summer and fall hiatus. Cindy seems more determined than ever to get stronger than me in order to shove me around when I get lippy. 
Laura is fantastic when it comes to keeping client cards organized and making sure the front desk isn't covered with empty cans and bottles. When Laura isn't crippled from a recent "challenge" or charity marathon, she works out like a madwoman in between her clients. Her workouts at home consist of following intense aerobics on her flatscreen. But last week, I learned to my utter amazement that her workouts do NOT involve housework! Why? Because our trainer has a Maid Service!! You read that right...Laura was in a rush to leave at the end of one of her shifts last week because she had to interview a MAID!  I realize that many of our clients have household help, and admit to having someone come in once a week when we lived in a larger residence in Michigan. But now I am beginning to wonder exactly how big Laura's condo is! Are there only two floors, or is there an observation deck? Does she have a 20 seat movie theater...a bowling alley...an indoor and outdoor pool with retractable roofs? Is Josh going to be moving into an estate of palatial proportions? I hope to provide answers to these questions and more in an ensuing post.

Mark and two friends 12-6-11

Went to Anna Marie Oyster Bar weekend before last. It is off 41 just north of the airport. I make no secret of the fact that I eat twice as much as the average person. Thus it was with some trepidation that I passed up the combo platters on the menu because of the allure of the Lobster Specials displayed everywhere and touted by the waitress. A steamed lobster with two sides was only $14.99, and the stuffed lobster was only $17.99. I ordered the stuffed lobster, calculating that I could eat a second dinner later that evening at home. As I began to work on my Caesar salad, a lobster appeared on my table. The busy waitress darted off. It looked like a steamed lobster. As I flipped it over to check for stuffing, I flipped the melted butter over as well. There was no stuffing. It took a few minutes to flag down the waitress. I was very polite as I explained the dilemma, an she was very apologetic as she whisked the wrong lobster away. Two minutes later, the manager appeared at my table--with the steamed lobster and a new tub of melted butter. He re-apologized, explained that a stuffed lobster would take 15 minutes to prepare, and suggested that I enjoy the steamed fella on the house while I waited for the one I ordered. I thought it over for a nanosecond and agreed. This kind of stuff NEVER happens to me! I usually have to waylay a buffet to even approach a full stomach. The stuffed lobster was as good as the steamed, and I tipped the wonderful waitress lavishly.


 I decided to be a good sport
for the picture and wear the
stupid bib.