Missing Detroit 11-30-11

Woke up this morning and checked the weather in good old Detroit, from whence we originally came. It was 30 degrees and snowing. The temp is expected to SOAR to 38 degrees, however. As I walked to work in my cutoff jeans and flip flops, I mulled over some of the reasons I miss Detroit. I only live 5 houses from the studio, so I did not have much time to mull. This was fortunate, because I could not think of anything I missed. Upon firing up the computer, I pulled up the latest online edition of the Detroit Free Press. It seems as though I have missed yet another grand-reopening of a Detroit landmark called the Sky Bar. I have never been there, of course, and I do not remember it closing (bars and restaurants open and close in Michigan faster than heart valves) but the pics made the re-opening look like fun...sort of. The management must have paid for some hot model-types to circulate among the crowd. I'm sorry I missed this event. Perhaps I shall catch the next one.

How sick was Laura, anyway? 11-27-11

Our trainer, Laura, was not feeling too well last Tuesday. This is the first time I have known her to be sick. Was she at death's door? No, not even close. But she did not hop on a treadmill the way she usually does upon her arrival. And she put her warm-up jacket on about 30 times as each chill racked her body...and took it off 30 times as hot flashes overwhelmed her. I suggested early menopause as being the cause of these hot flashes, but she assured me that if anyone was going through menopause it was me. Laura accepted 2 Advils the second time I offered, and soldiered on, changing settings on the machines and barking out orders to clients. I would have banned her from the studio had we judged her to be contagious, and I observed her carefully for signs of Ebola virus or Plague. She left an hour early, and was back to her normal self when we worked together Saturday morning.

Defender of the Infamous 11-20-11

What well known divorce attorney works out at our humble little studio? I cannot tell you that. But what I can tell you is that she (oops, just cut the guesses in half) has a partner who is a much sought-after criminal attorney. Guess who sought after this attorney not too long ago...desperately needing representation? I cannot tell you that either. But I can tell you that the criminal attorney's client's daughter is having her share of difficulties with the Los Angeles court system. I can also tell you that she is performing community service at the morgue. I might also mention that she is an actress, and she wasn't too bad during the small part of Georgia Rules that I watched while surfing on cable. It's hard for me to watch any movie with Hanoi Jane in it, thus I could not further evaluate the young actresses abiltiy. (Hanoi Jane is Jane Fonda...look it up, but not on a full stomach.) Or just click here. Still dying to know the first name of the divorce attorney that works out at Classic? Okay, one hint. Mote _______ Laboratory.

Dirty dog cont 11-15-11

Once cajoled and dragged into the bathroom, giving Sasha a bath gets a little easier--but not much. After she is physically in the bathroom, her tail droops in resignation. She knows what lies in store, and she is far from thrilled. The best technique we have found is to gently pick up her front legs and place them over the side of the tub. Then one of us keeps her front paws from slipping and the other scoops her up by the haunches and swings them over the side. Her fur is highly resistant to water, so soaking her down is no easy matter. Once semi-wet, Sue lathers her with various shampoos. Coconut anti-bacterial shampoo seems to get Sasha cleanest. There are often several attempts to lunge out of the tub, and restraining a wet and occasionally frantic sled dog is not an easy task. Cool water and keeping the flexible shower nozzle away from Sasha's face and ears makes the rinse cycle tolerable. Once out of the tub, there is a wild rush to the front door and the lawn...you do NOT want to be indoors and in the line of fire during the dogs first attempt to shake the water out of her fur. If you have a chance today, go through an automatic car wash with all of your windows down, and you can simulate the experience. Sasha HATES blow dryers, and towel drying her can take anywhere from a day to a week...you WILL miss an area no matter how thorough you are.

Dirty dog 11-13-11

Everywhere the gym mascot goes, people ask "Does she shed a lot?" We answer "As much as you can imagine, and then double it." This is not always the case, of course. Some months are better than others. After her spring "molt," when the pink skin on her tummy is peeking through, the vacuum at home only comes out every three days or so. We used to go through a lot of vacuums as well, burning out belts and motors with abandon. The vacuum that PW (that's the name he goes by...he works out in the late morning...he even went by it fighting in the Korean War) sold us is holding up fairly well however, and we are hoping to get an entire year out of it. Sasha does not like to be brushed, as you might imagine. She likes baths even less. She LOVES snow, of course, but has no use for it in it's melted form. Coaxing her into the bath tub, to put it mildly, is a struggle. I used to trick her onto a sofa with a treat and then just scoop her up. Breathing in mouthfuls of fur and not being able to see where one is going made it unpleasant. Her arthritis and weight make that method even more challenging of late. Yesterday we spent 10 minutes with a treat that she seemed determined to ignore. We tried to lure her into the main bathroom with it, but she sensed a trap. Our dog was willing to go anywhere in the house but the bathroom hallway. Herding and pushing her did not work. She is somewhat of a herding dog herself, and knew all the tricks. We ended up putting her collar back on and gently tugging on it for another 5 minutes. It was with great trepidation that we finally  arrived in the main bathroom.  To be cont....

Joe and his cars 11-11-11

Most of you have met our chief assistant by now. His name is Joe, and I tell everyone that he is the "glue that holds this business together." He has poise and tact and foresight well beyond his 18 years. In a pinch, he can take someone through their entire workout, mapping it out like a trainer would. Until recently, I used to think that those WWJD bumper stickers on some cars meant What Would Joe Do? Joe has a car. He calls it Bambi. The moniker fits because the paint is fawn and gold and primer colored and the big round headlights give it a doe-eyed look. The car is a 1989 Mercedes Benz. It is a classic if one looks beyond the occasional dent and the loud exhaust system. Speaking of systems, feel free to ask Joe how he goes about putting the windows down. The speedo stopped working years ago at 160,000. There is no heat or air conditioning right now, but the brake pedal has not gone to the floor all week and I think Joe said the wipers are working again. One of our clients decided Joe needed a new vehicle forthwith, and started checking the classifieds for Joe. He also offered to FINANCE this new/used vehicle at ZERO percent interest! Very, very classy. Then Norma (a sweetheart of an afternoon client) took up the cause. Through her church, she knows a guy with a repair garage. One of his regular customers drove a 1995 Ford Taurus. She passed away. Her offspring saw the maintenence receipts in the glove box and turned the Taurus over to him to sell. Then they flew back to California. By now the astute reader is probably thinking..."Mark, Norma, why do you think Joe should get rid of his 21 year old car and buy a 16 year old one? Do you have dementia?" The answer is simple: Because this particular 16 year old Taurus has 25,749 miles on it!! Sue and I fronted the money and picked up the car with Joe yesterday.  Stay tuned.

No Party at Rob's house 11-9-11

There are some more rumors that need to be laid to rest. Patti started them and they have spread like molasses, but I would like to stifle them before they gain traction. In spite of Patti's suggestions, there will be no Kwanza party this holiday season at Rob's house. Rob shares my distaste for this manufactured holiday, and certainly does not want to promote it's existence in any manner. I do not pretend to know how he feels about the holiday called Cinco de Mayo, either, but in spite of Patti's constant hints, I don't think Rob  plans on taking steps to celebrate it this May. Rob is originally from the Toledo area, and it is my guess that this holiday is not widely observed in Ohio. Incidentally, I did receive a nice gift from Sue on National Secretary's Day, but it made me start to wonder how she views my role with this company. Speaking of acknowledgments, this is the 10th year running that Sasha did not get me a gift for Father's Day. One cannot help but feel slighted at this obvious oversight. Can you say "Euthanasia?" 

Where in the World is Patti? 11-8-11

Many of the morning clients may have noticed that one of our trainers, Patti, was not at the studio on Monday morning. The especially astute client may have observed that she took off before 11 am. on Friday, in spite of our official closing time of noon. Allow me to assure you that she is fine. She had a plane to catch. Patti will be back on Wednesday morning, rarin' to go. Where did she go, you may ask? Vegas. She jetted off with her boyfriend on Friday afternoon to hit Sin City. Who is her boyfriend? I cannot share that with you. Patti has been traveling an awful lot lately with censored. We cover for her as best we can. It's my fault, actually. He has been a client here for quite some time, and is one of the finest individuals I have ever met. I am a walking Match.com and saw the obvious attraction between the two a year and a half ago. I asked both of them out and we ended up at Waterfront restaurant. They had a lot in common, thus it didn't take much to keep the conversation going. I gave Patti some etiquette tips, of course, before setting the time and place....no "pretend gagging" if something tasted bad...no eating off of other diners plates...chew with her mouth closed, etc. I made it clear in advance that although I was buying dinner, it would be nice if she declared she was "not that hungry" and just ordered a cheeseburger. Barring that, if she insisted on ordering something extravagant such as Surf and Turf, I encouraged her to offer me as much of her portion as possible while I ordered something more economical. Patti's behavior was exemplary, however, (not once did she spit a mouthful of food on the floor and yell out "This is Crap!") Ever the gentleman, I resisted the urge to reach across the table and play with her hair. There was subsequently a second date, and then a third, and so on. The rest is history. She and her mystery man will be back from Vegas on Tuesday night. I would also like to stress at this time that Patti does not have a gambling problem, in spite of what you might have heard, so let us put that rumor to rest right here and now.  

Future Roommates? 11-6-11

Most of our morning clients have worked with Josh at one point or another. He's our young trainer with the growing biceps and the latest shades who pulls in on his motorcycle on sunny days (unless he fails to check the forecast, in which case he rides in on rainy days.) Josh is actually quite a bit cooler than everybody else around him, but is too PC to rub it in. And many of our clients have had the chance to work with Laura. Her perpetually tanned and sculpted legs announce to the world that she is in better shape than most silly humans, but like Josh, she declines to rub this obvious fact in their faces. For several months, Josh has had one of the slickest rent deals around---being the "caretaker" for a friends house while the sale was pending. He pays all of the utilities, of course, as well as any landscaping costs. Laura recently moved into a condo, but I won't say where. The simple fact is that I don't know where...never having been invited for a housewarming party or anything else that might involve free food. In fact, when asked about the location of her new condo, Laura vaguely waves a tanned hand in the general direction of Downtown Sarasota and says something like "Oh, it's not too far." But Josh has a problem coming up. The house he is living in has been sold, and he has to move out by the end of November. On Friday, it came to my attention that Laura owned a TWO bedroom condo, and that one of the bedrooms was unoccupied. I immediately pointed this out to Josh, who politely showed interest. I then suggested to Laura that her empty bedroom could use a little furniture in it, and that Josh owned bedroom furniture. I also hinted that Josh would be happy to accompany the furniture!  Stay tuned. 

Spanish Point Marina and Pub 11-5-11

On Tuesday the three of us had lunch at Spanish Point Marina and Pub in Osprey. The thermometer was just starting to hit 80 degrees, and since it was 48 degrees, cloudy and rainy back in Detroit, one could not help but gloat a little. The loaded nachos were very good, with plenty of cheese, onions and jalapenos. My blue cheese salad was well assembled, but just a bit shy on the vinaigrette dressing, which the waitress happily remedied. Susan only had a cup of lobster bisque. Sasha had a bowl of water and some of the ice cubes from my first Diet Pepsi. She was a rock star as usual, with nearly every patron finding a reason at some point to wander over, pet her, and ask questions. I was ignored, but I'm used to it when our magnetic dog accompanies us.  

While waiting for our order, Sasha
and I walked to the end of this dock.

Sasha's eyesight is fine 11-03-11

At precisely 11:05 am. this morning, Sasha was stationed at the front door of the gym. A new PT Cruiser pulled up. Sasha's tail began to twitch at first, then wag. Her eyes were riveted on the drivers side of the car. Our fearless guard dog then rose up to a sitting position, her tail sweeping back and forth across the front mat with gusto. She had spotted Johnnie R and her husband Wes, but she only had eyes for Johnnie. Their eyes met as Johnnie got out of the car, and Sasha roused herself to a full standing position, indicating...no...demanding that she be let out into the parking lot to greet Johnnie in person. It had nothing to do with the diet doggie treats that Johnnie always carries in her purse--I could tell this was true joy. More importantly, if Sasha was able to recognize my client through one pane of smudged glass and the glare on the windshield of her car, I knew that I could cancel our dogs eye appointment at Sarasota Memorial Hospital. We had been preparing for bad news, and even looked into getting a seeing eye dog if necessary. Now we won't have to. I let Sasha out into the lot, and she herded Johnnie inside. She ignored Wes.  

Beth and her prison buddy 11-2-11

Most of the morning clients know Beth. She is an interior designer who is in great demand right now. She juggles several clients at a time while fussing about every detail of every project with an obsession that borders on the neurotic. In other words, she is exactly the type of designer I would want working on my home project. She is hyper and frantic and classy and a perfectionist. She used to work in a similar capacity for Robb and Stuckey until demand dictated that she branch out on her own. One of her clients is located in Boca Grande. And one of his employees happens to own a knife. His name is Rick, and he and Beth have collaborated on his employers house together. Until Sunday evening, Rick had a girlfriend. She has an ex husband. The ex husband did not want to store his illegal drugs at his own home. So Ricks girlfriend let him store his illegal drugs at Ricks house! On Sunday evening, the ex husband came over to pick up his drugs, and Rick found out. There was a loud altercation. Rick got his knife out, and stabbed the ex. Ouch. The police arrested Rick, and he is now in jail. His bail is set at only $500,000. When Beth found out on Monday, the caring side of her set about finding Rick a good attorney. The first order of business is to get the bail reduced to a more affordable rate.  To be cont...

Another dead fish 11-1-11

Okay now, this is not funny! The baby black angel just croaked. Either that, or he is a master of disguise, or has found the best hiding place ever. Obviously, I shall have to begin the search for his little corpse before Thursday. Incidentally, we would like to welcome a new client, Jim S. Jim is a retired Long Beach California police officer. He still does consulting and training work for the department quite frequently. His wife, Sarah, has worked out here for nearly one year.