Do We Like the New Studio?  12-25-12

That is a very good question. First let us examine some of the positives. Compared with the old one, it is Gorgeous inside! The blue is a gray tinged shade called Peaceful Night. The brand new ductwork for the powerful air conditioning system has remained very shiny and contrasts sharply with the walls and ceiling. The mirrors make the place look bigger than it is and the new flooring has just the right amount of charcoal in it. The new studio has TWO finished, clean bathrooms and enough mirrors and lighting for a make-up artist to set up shop. The parking is superb, with our very own traffic signal on Tamiami Trail at the west end of our lot, and loads of parking in back. Please do not ask foolish questions like "Do you leave the back door unlocked during working hours?" because of course we do. The thing I do not like about the new studio? The front door still sticks a little bit.
The astute reader will recall the laser therapy updates that I wrote about some time ago. These treatments have continued to relieve a lot of pain for many people, but I do not wish to pat myself on the back in this space...especially since my flexibility is not what it once was. Instead I would like to mention Sugar, an eight year old rescue Labrador retriever. She has had a horrible wound on her front leg for one year that cannot be stitched together and would not heal. Would not heal, that is, until her owner (who might want to remain anonymous so I will just call her Patti) suggested that we try the laser on it. We have thus far treated the wound in increments of 8, 10 1/2, 12 1/2, and 14 1/2 minutes over the course of two weeks. The wound has begun healing at the top and around the edges! Sugar is delighted, and her limp has nearly disappeared. Of course I took pictures, but I will not post them until the results become even more dramatic.     

Getting cold up north 10-28-12

We have been down here for over three years now and still enjoy watching the temperatures plunge at this time of year back in Michigan. Every week the highs are a little lower and the lows are lower still. My parents live 25 miles north of Detroit and I have noticed a clear discrepancy between what the Weather Channel reports and what my mom reports. I choose to believe my mom of course...and I don't care what that little scamp Stephanie Abrams tells me on her morning report...no matter how cute her little dimples are, or how coyly she tosses her hair and smiles at me. Back to the subject. The "high" temp that you see on the Weather Channel means that the temperature, after a great deal of struggle throughout the afternoon, managed to reach the posted figure for about seven seconds before falling back down again. Please keep in mind that the trees are mostly just very tall sticks by now, the grass is dead, and the sky is filled with huge gray clouds that constantly threaten rain. For some unknown reason, the lows are much lower than what the Weather Channel would have one believe. My mom reports a variance of as much as eight degrees. My personal theory for this is that Michigan retailers pay off the Weather Channel to lie! If everyone knew the actual temperature at night and realized that they were just a malfunctioning furnace away from being found frozen in their beds the next morning...they would head down here to Florida well before Christmas...and probably even before Black Friday.

It's official  10-16-12

Classic has officially begun working out clients at our new location. We are now at 4525 S. Tamiami Trail. Our phone number is the same, but our hours have unofficially expanded thanks to Shaz, our famous New York City trainer and nutritionist. He has now met with clients as early as seven am! Doesn't this man know what sleep is? While I am asking questions that I do not currently have the answers to, how about this: Why does Shaz appear to be so much taller than I am until we stand side by side in the gym mirrors? I doubted his claim of being only six feet tall, and I would wager he suspected mine as being slightly exaggerated. The mirror provided all of the necessary evidence to an intrigued clientele. We both have six packs, but I will readily allow that his waist is smaller than mine. I will also wager Shaz cannot consume ten pieces of broasted chicken at Der Dutchman in one sitting...and probably has no desire to do so. On another subject, Classic welcomes back Sue and Jim  D. Michigan grew cold rather early this year, and the D's packed up their Chihuahuas and came back to their true home on Siesta Key. Sue assured me she tried to retain a Michigan trainer for the summer, but none were available in close proximity to their summer home. Or could it be that every last worthwhile trainer left in Michigan decided to head for warmer climes as we did three years ago? I know what your are thinking...if Jim and Sue are down already, can Rob S. from Toledo be far behind? Oh...you weren't thinking that? He lost 35 pounds at Classic over the last two seasons, but we still have five to go! He had better arrive soon so that we can get started. 

Relocating Rumors?  10-2-13

By this time, many of you have heard the rumors that Classic Personal Trainer is relocating. Let me reassure you...the rumors are true. On October 13th and 14th, we are moving 1.8 miles north of our current location. Our new address will be 4525 South Tamiami Trail. Do you know where the Honey Baked Ham store is located? Sure you do. We are the next building north. Not sure about the Ham store? Then you must know where Alpine Steakhouse is located...and we are directly across the Trail from that. There will be many, many advantages to this new location. The one we are looking forward to the most is the brand new air conditioning unit that has just been installed. On Sunday, it was 90 degrees inside the building upon our arrival. The outside temp was similar. I switched the unit from off to cool, and 24 minutes later the blower cycled off...at 70 degrees! I suspect that we could use the gym as a meat locker in an emergency. This is going to contrast sharply with our current location, where it would be charitable to say that the air labors to stay in the 76 degree range four months out of the year. 
Would you like to read about another exciting feature of the new location? Of course you would. Clients coming from the north will need to turn left to enter our parking lot. Turning left will be easy, because we have our own traffic light at Field Road! The same is true of southbound clients upon leaving the parking lot...left turns onto Tamiami are a cinch. Next week I shall boast about the nearly unlimited parking in the rear of the building, the easy access through the back door, and the motion detectors and security cameras.   

Just got the news  9-23-12

Somebody emailed me a pic this morning. It looks an awful lot like the left hand of somebody I work out with on Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning. The brand new engagement ring on this hand looks like one that another client of mine would have selected. I work out with him on Tuesday afternoons and Saturday mornings. Beth M is giddy after receiving a ring from Dave K! I got a little bit woozy myself after looking at the pic. I am confident this ring cost more than my Corvette. 

Unfortunately, I cannot get too close to a diamond engagement ring. When I do, I have found that I can no longer leap tall buildings with a single bound...can't see through walls either...and I don't even want to think about racing a speeding bullet if the first two aren't happening. 
Beth and Dave have known each other for about two years now. Did I introduce them? No, this is one time that two clients found each other on their own. I do take credit for the engagement of course. What hot-blooded male could resist Beth after I gave her those hard, toned arms and those firm legs with the perfect quad sweep? Granted the mischievous smile, flowing locks and bright blue eyes were more God's doing than mine, but I don't think Dave would have been as smitten with a couch potato. Dave is quite a bit buffer as well, and is unofficially my second strongest client. Secretly I hope that I am not invited to the wedding, as my sobbing from the back row might disrupt the ceremony. 

Not your typical agent  9-16-12

We have several real estate agents that work out at Classic on a regular basis. I am not completely sure if Tara wants to remain anonymous so I will alter her last name and identify her only as Tara Wolf of Michael Saunders and Associates. 
It has been a very typical past several months for Tara. Let's see...she vacationed in Europe (but who doesn't?) and hung out in Canada in a hot spot 300 miles north of Minnesota. Upon returning, Tara sped off to Boca Raton and bought a BMW for her son (after all, his grades were very good.) Shortly afterward she discovered a FOUR FOOT HIGH bees nest clinging to the eaves of a home she was inspecting. Don't worry, they were not killer bees and no one in the removal service she retained was stung to death. After the bees, it looked as though summer might begin to wind down for Tara until she checked on the former owner at a house she had just sold. No one had seen the lady (in her early sixties) for days, and Tara did some sleuthing. Tara's client had not ventured out...because she was dead! The 911 operator asked Tara to flip the body over to make sure and Tara's workouts at Classic would have enabled her to easily do so, but the maroon and purple color made any further disturbance quite unnecessary. To make matters worse, the poor woman had left a water faucet on prior to her demise! The new owners thus not only have to deal with a possible ghost BUT another 20 bucks or so when the next water bill rolls around! As for Tara, she now has to listen to new potential business slogans from her personal trainer. How about: Tara Wolf is such a good agent that her clients are thrilled to death! No? How about: People are dying to sign up with Tara! Still no? Okay...After Tara sells your home, you can REALLY relax!    

A wild 80th birthday party   9-9-12

One of our clients is named PW. He is originally from Kentucky and the letters are an abbreviation for his first name and middle name...neither of which he uses. After one says the name several times, it begins to grow on you. PW had his leg badly shot up in the Korean war and has survived lung and prostate cancer. He had a triple bypass two years and six months ago. He filtered a huge quantity of both distilled and fermented beverages through his liver and kidneys until he was forty. PW also stopped supporting the tobacco industry at around that time. Needless to say, many of his relatives and long-time friends are ASTOUNDED that he has arrived at his 80th birthday in one piece. The icing on the cake is that the man looks like he is in his early sixties. He plays golf and plays/manages on three different softball teams beginning about this time of year. He still finds time to work out at our facility twice a week when he and his wife aren't cruising the planet's oceans. 
Last Saturday, the staff at Classic attended PW's 80th birthday blowout at Stoneybrook Country Club. There were only about 90 people there...a very intimate affair. The entertainer had a long white pony tail and a repertoire of songs that ranged from Neil Diamond to Johnny Cash. He was fabulous and I want to hire him for my 80th birthday. I began eating immediately by sidestepping the guest of honor and pouncing on the cheese-filled puff balls at the appetizer table. Gradually, I was able to fill my plate with an absolutely delectable mushroom goody presented in a little pastry shell. We soon discovered that the placeholder/name cards on our table were the key to getting fed. One star meant that one had requested the charbroiled pot roast dinner. No stars meant that one had requested the salmon. I had one star on my placeholder...and asked Sue to draw in a second with her pen. It worked! I received TWO dinners, the second arriving soon after the first. Then in a stroke of luck, I visited PW's table of honor and noticed that his granddaughter had not touched her pot roast! She caught me staring and graciously offered it up. I hesitated for a millisecond and then accepted, spiriting it away to my table before anyone else at PW's table noticed the dinner was available. 

Sue danced with PW, but I did not. He seemed to be holding her a little more tightly around the waist than the dance moves required, but they assured me that I was reading too much into it. The astute reader may notice a young man standing in the background of the above picture. He is wearing a short-sleeved black shirt and holding a drink. That young man is Joe, our chief assistant trainer at Classic. He finished his entire dinner. I knew he would. He is a very nice guy but for some reason a little protective whenever he and I go out to eat together.   

Sports Cars, Legroom, and a New Mission  8-26-12
An attorney who works out at Classic has his eye on a slightly used Porsche Panamera. He is six foot five and claims it is the only Porsche that requires him to actually put the seat forward one notch after he gets in. Although it has four doors, I think most readers will agree that it is nevertheless a very sporty looking vehicle. It is 55.8 inches tall, but looks even lower to the ground when it's moving. 

This is the exact color and style of
my Corvette, but I have some gorgeous
Italian  Momo wheels on mine. 

We currently reside very close to the Fitness Studio so I usually walk to work in the morning with my old dog. It takes a while to cover the five-house distance, especially if she has not gone out at night. For this reason most of our clients have not seen my Corvette in the parking lot, which is just as well because I don't have time to give EVERYONE a ride! I have several vehicles but my personal favorite is still this old Corvette, which fits me like a glove after I squeeze through the door. I am only six feet tall and at 55 years old have probably stopped growing, which is a good thing because my Vette is only 46.7 inches tall and more head room is only possible with the top removed...an unpleasant prospect during a Florida thunderstorm.

This car was a LOT slower than it
looks. It had 68 horsepower at it's
disposal---I think my lawn tractor
has more.

One of my first cars was a 1968 Triumph Spitfire. It was a very slow British sports car that combined vibration and impracticality with unreliability and led me to open a very  profitable specialty car repair business. A more appropriate name would have been Spitsblacksmoke or Spitsouttransmissionparts. Although I was already six feet tall when I purchased it, I weighed about 80 pounds less. It was slightly taller than my Corvette...47.6 inches, and would fit beneath the trailer of a tractor/trailer rig! I was quite daring as a teenager but never once drove the vehicle under a moving rig. I remember the seating as being a little tight in my 20's, but the attorney has me wondering if it would now be possible to fit in this vehicle at all any more. I am determined to try. There is a very large car show at Sarasota Square Mall every winter, and I recall seeing several vintage Spitfires there. This year, before dinner--when I am feeling svelte, I am going to the show and pose as an interested Spitfire purchaser. Prior to that, I shall check Ebay for a VERY LARGE shoehorn. All results will be reported here after the show.     

Deceptive Advertising 8-18-12
I realize that I should finish my report on the Sarasota Yacht Club, but warning my clients about this scam has become an immediate priority. Most of the business people in Sarasota are very honest and treat their customers fairly. They have to. Sarasota is a small "big" town and word--good or bad--travels fast. Thus I am sad to be the first to report on a business deception that is going on just two blocks from where my workout studio is located. The offender is a well known business called Splish Splash and they are part of a much larger franchise. I have gathered photographic proof of a grossly misleading come-on displayed on their pylon 
sign---directly in front of their building. I doubt that the parent company knows of this. If they did, they certainly would not condone it. 

As I drove serenely along Tamiami Trail in route to signing up at the new Costco, I spotted an intriguing promise on the marquee. It hinted there were women in the store with swimsuits that were practically FALLING OFF! I have been to Miami South Beach on several occasions and was APPALLED to see women on the beach wearing only the bottom half of their swimsuit. It was thus hard for me to envision any less than that! But the sign clearly stated that swimsuits in that store were up to 70% off! I turned immediately and went inside. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that what they claimed was not true. Granted, they were having some kind of a sale, but had they  lettered the sign honestly, I would NOT have been enticed so easily.  Please people, do not be fooled like I was. I shall post the phone number soon. If each reader calls the manager and complains soon, our collective voices will be heard and this deception will end!

Just Another Day at the Yacht Club 8-12-12

We were invited for lunch last Wednesday to the Sarasota Yacht Club. Naturally, we accepted. We have all passed the Yacht Club on our way to St. Armand's Circle. It is the one at the west end of the Ringling Bridge---to the left. How many of you can say, however, that you have been to lunch or dinner at this venerable locale? You can? You too? And you saw her with my dog? Okay, stop sending emails. I did not realize that so many of you have been there. Nevertheless, it was my first time. After meeting our host and his lovely wife inside the front door, we toddled off to the dining room. I was somewhat concerned that my denim shorts and best t-shirt would not be suitable attire for such an exquisitely decorated venue, but observed several people at the pool beyond the tall windows wearing much less. I try to avoid white bread or flour at all costs, but the bread basket had tiny little croissant-shaped blueberry muffins that tasted twice as good as they looked and smelled. I indulged without guilt. I ordered grouper fingers as an appetizer, and french onion soup only because the waiter promised it was very cheesy and salty. In keeping with the grouper theme, I ordered the blackened grouper sandwich as well. In the past, I admit to pulling the old "Look out there at the topless woman!" trick in order to distract others at the table. But this afternoon, summoning as much decorum and willpower as possible, I concentrated on my own plates and not once did I borrow from those of my hosts. Everything was excellent. After lunch, we were offered a tour of the entire facility, which we eagerly accepted.  To be continued      

Congratulations to Lisa!   7-28-12

On behalf of the entire staff at Classic Personal Trainer, I would like to congratulate Lisa R on her successful weight loss. She is down 26.2 pounds thus far. How long has it taken? She has been working out with us and paying attention to her diet for just over two months now. Why was it important to Lisa to lose this weight? Because a couple of years ago, a perfect storm occured. Lisa got married and stopped smoking at around the same time! The two newlyweds fed each other cake and pasta and every other delicacy that came across their plates. Poor Lisa was deliriously happy, but up 40 pounds! He said he did not notice the extra pounds, but Lisa's catwoman suit (it's a Halloween thing) had become very, very tight. She was determined to wear it again. We were determined to see her in it. Incidentally, after losing 23 pounds Lisa was promoted to manager at her bank...the Big Cheese, the Head Honcho, the Boss. How coincidental that soon after working out with a trainer at Classic Lisa gets the promotion she has been seeking for some time.... Does everyone who works out at our studio get promoted? Well no--not the retired people. But at the rate that Lisa is climbing the ladder, I would expect to see her as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve before too long. The next time I write about Lisa, I will pass along what she meant when she confessed to "misbehaving" in the Catwoman suit.   

Have I reviewed pics of Lisa in the
Catwoman suit? Why, yes I have!

Integrity 7-22-12


At Classic Personal Trainer, it is no secret that we do not work out continuously for the entire hour. There is some down time between sets. During that downtime, I hear some of the most interesting things imaginable from my clients. Some of it is just venting of course, but some of it affects the way I see  the world outside of the studio. One such incident happened last week. I was working out with the retired CEO of a very, very large lingerie company. I will not name names at the present, but let us call the company Mark's Secret and the clients name "Clyde." One fine morning, the CFO that reported to Clyde was bursting at the seams. He had just purchased a home the previous day. At the closing, the CFO had devised a plan to save himself many thousands of dollars. Knowing that the seller of his new home intended to go from the closing directly to another in which he was to purchase his dream home, the CFO sprung his surprise. He loudly announced he would not pay the agreed upon price! He wanted to pay less...much less. The condition of the home had not changed. The appraisal came back fine. The CFO had merely decided that the seller was in a vulnerable spot and ripe to be taken advantage of. The CFO had intentionally finagled a very low deposit that could be left on the table if need be. The seller, desperate now and watching the minutes until the second closing tick away, caved. 
The gleeful CFO could not wait to share his triumph the next morning with Clyde. He recounted the major points of his coup. He waited until Clyde could absorb all of the cleverness of his manuever. But all Clyde could do was think about the bottle of mouthwash in his excutive washroom. The vile taste that the deal left in his mouth was rising. It was too late for Clyde to help the hapless victim of the previous day's home closing, but there was something he could do that morning. 
Clyde fired the CFO on the spot. No million dollar salary. No severance package, and to Clyde's way of thinking, no financial scandals down the road initiated by a morally-impaired CFO. I found myself wishing that we had more executives like Clyde before the banking and real estate world crashed down around us in a cloud of greed and we wound up bailing them all out with taxpayer money.

Celebrating the Holiday  7-4-12


Several clients have inquired as to our plans to celebrate the 4th of July. The astute reader may recall that last year we were guests at Marina Towers overlooking the Bay. We had an 11th floor vantage point courtesy of the property manager for the condo tower. The view of the Bay from the balcony was nothing short of spectacular. We even brought guests and no, I did not charge them. What a difference a year can make. It turns out the manager (whom we shall call Brian) was not allowed to throw 4th of July parties in vacant condo units. In addition, the board was visibly upset to learn that Brian had embezzled $56,000 for "personal expenses" over a three year period. Oooops. He has proven elusive, and is not yet incarcerated as of this writing. But the fact that Brian is still on the run puts a complete damper on our chances of a repeat invitation. 
We will not be setting off fireworks in our neighborhood either. How were we to know that the roof of the church behind us was so darn flammable? My position on that situation remains the same...either go with the tile roof in the first place or DON'T put your garden hose away on the 4th!
 Out of necessity, our plans this year are scaled down dramatically. As of this time, we intend to stay at home with a microphone and a powerful amplifier. Due to a recent large shipment of protein drinks, we have ample quantities of bubble wrap on hand. Low key? Undoubtedly. But I would also like to point out this will be an economical and extremely green, low carbon-footprint way to add some "pop" to the holiday. Sue says I am just being cheap.  Happy 4th! 

Shootout continued   6-25-12

Our client Johnnie claimed that she had never fired a gun before. The man behind the counter was very patient with us as we tried different handguns to find the one that fit Johnnie's hand the best. He barely flinched when she inadvertently pointed one of them at him. In the end we decided to fire the guns that Susan and I had brought and resolved to zero in on favorite style of gun for Johnnie from there. As I mentioned in the previous post, she insisted on covering our costs for the range time and even for the modest yearly membership fee. We picked out some simple paper targets...the ones with Osama Bin Laden were no longer offered. We borrowed some ear protection and were off to the anteroom that led to one section of the indoor range. Ear and eye protection in place, we opened the heavy door of the range to the accompaniment of loud percussive explosions. There were 10 lanes and 9 of them were filled and active. We stepped into our assigned 6th lane and laid our guns and ammo on the counter. I stapled a target onto a cardboard backing and hit the switch that sent it whizzing out to 25 feet. Sue's 38 Smith and Wesson Airweight was already loaded (it always is) so she stepped up and shot first. Each round pierced the heart of the target as flame shot out of the barrel. Muggers and rapists instinctively avoid Sue and her shooting provides instant validation for their caution. Johnnie's eyes widened a little as Sue reloaded and I hinted that Johnnie would be the next to shoot. After a brief lesson on grip and aim, Johnnie stepped up to fire a gun for the first time. She shot...and hit the target on her first try!! To be continued.   

Shootout on University and 301   5-27-12

Although Johnnie claimed
she had never fired a gun before,
she hit the target most of the time!
Very suspicious.

One of our more adventurous clients suggested recently that we go shooting together sometime. I suppose she assumed that since we hailed from Detroit and I had worked as a private investigator for a time that we had a certain familiarity with handguns. We do. Our favorite shooting range down here in Sarasota is Take Aim, and we told "Johnnie" that we would be delighted to take her shooting with us. We gathered up our revolvers and semi-automatics and picked her up at her GORGEOUS condo. It overlooks the Ringling Bridge and from now on we will ask Johnnie to stay at the Hyatt whenever we entertain out-of-town guests and pretend the condo is ours. 
Upon our arrival at Take Aim, we spoke with an employee at the counter who "fitted" Johnnie for various handguns as she contemplated a future purchase. Johnnie insisted on paying for the range time and ALL THREE of our membership renewals despite my protests. By the time she bought our ammo as well, I was more than a little embarrassed. But she was adamant....to be continued 

Turmoil in the Large Aquarium   5-8-12
No sooner did we get the water in the 125 gallon fish tank cleared up than storm clouds appeared. I am referring, of course, to the two new Oscars that we adopted. After multiple assurances to the young man that responded to my ad on Craigslist that his pets would be well cared for, after 30 minutes or so I had severe doubts. There was a great deal of um...conflict when the new fish were introduced. Okay, okay, there was a WAR. The new fish were slightly larger than our two, but they were on unfamiliar territory after the stress of being removed from their home and transported. At first my Oscars just did some posturing. Then then started biting. Fortunately, Oscars do not have teeth. But their jaws are strong, and damage to fins and tails was soon inflicted to the newcomers in spite of their attempts to find elsewhere to swim. I separated them with a plastic poker as best I could. Just as it got ugly and started to turn into a rout, the timer clicked and the lights in the tank went off! The effect was almost immediate. The fish paired up in the gloom and drifted off to opposite ends of the tank. To be continued....

We have prevailed  4-27-12


 The long battle appears to be over. The seemingly unbeatable foe has been vanquished. The algae that has plagued both the front and back fish tanks has been destroyed by science. I purchased a UV sterilizer for the front tank over the internet. A UV sterilizer sucks in small amounts of water and allows it to flow around an ultraviolet light bulb. Any living organisms that linger in front of the bulb for more than a few seconds are extinguished. Then the water and the dead organisms flow back out to the main tank. I found a larger, more powerful sterilizer at PetSmart and it seemed to be priced far lower that I had expected. They were asking $80 for a model that was selling for $220 on Ebay. After checking with the salesman, I snatched it back and made a mad dash for the register before the half-wit could check his price sheets. The cashier rang it up as marked and ten minutes later it was humming away in the 125 gallon tank. The tank looked clearer the next morning, but after months of battling this insidious pea soup, I was reluctant to declare victory. Two days later, however, the despised green water had given way to a liquid of such clarity that one after another of you could only stare in delight. See below. 

There now, is that
clear enough for you?

Rich's Wedding 4-11-12

Normally, I cannot get too close to an engagement or wedding ring. If I do, I have found that I can no longer see through walls or leap tall buildings with a single bound, and I become much slower than a speeding bullet. Thus it was with some trepidation that I accepted an invitation to the wedding of our client Rich (the massage therapist). It turned out I was very glad that I did. The ceremony was held outside at Palma Sola Botannical Park in Bradenton. The setting was idyllic, to say the least. A superb sound system guaranteed every word of the ceremony could be heard, but I thought I would miss seeing the actual exchange of rings when a large woman in a pink floral dress sat down in front of me. Some last minute seat shifting allowed me to see the participants, but I was repeatedly distracted by the large woman. Her dress was sleeveless and one could not help but notice that her arms were considerably larger than mine. Envy rears its ugly head when you least expect it.   To be continued.

Thunder and Lightning 4-5-12

No, the title of this one is not what I call my left and right fists. It refers to the natural events.
I did not think I was scared of thunderstorms, but apparently I am. I used to find the blowing winds and lightning and havoc outside rather soothing actually, until I was informed about five years ago that I do not. For the past five years, Sasha the sled dog has insisted on seeking me out during these storms. If I am sleeping, she finds the part of me nearest to the edge of the bed and pokes at it with her nose until I wake up. Then she points out the bright flashes and the loud noises that would have awakened me at any moment. After this she searches for my hand and soothes me by insisting that I pat her head and play with her ears until I begin to find some comfort in doing so. You must understand that she has no fear of these events herself. She has told me this many times. Sasha has become so adept at consoling me soon after these events begin that I no longer "dread" them. Last night just such an event occured. It would have been very scary except for my brave companion. I hope I can get over this fear before my furry aged guardian finally goes to that big storm in the sky.

From Famine to Feast Conclusion 3-30-12

Admittedly, the house salad, when the correct version finally came, was very good. Was it "wait for 35 minutes to get the order right" good? Not exactly. Just as the last cherry tomato disappeared off my plate, some kind of manager-guy approached with our sandwiches. We stared in disbelief. My "fish sandwich" was a GIANT piece of Tilapia or gouper or something equally succulent and tender. It had the slightest murmer of a perfectly seasoned reddish orange breading surrounding the entire, double the-size-of-your-hand piece. It dwarfed the sliced, crusty Cuban bread that attempted to surround the fish only to end up perfectly complimenting it. Susan's chicken sandwich was quite good as well, she claimed. Was my sandwich worth waiting 40 minutes for? As far-fetched as it sounds...perhaps it was. The tip was back up to 15% by now and climbing. A quick, unrequested refill on my diet coke sent it to 18%. As I ate, the bartender/slash barmaid arrived at work. She was at least 5'7" with long curly brunette hair and she wore spray-painted-on leather pants that did not come close to covering her hips. She had a shiny satin tube top on that "pushed things up" dramatically. She looked like a fourth year college student, which as it turned out is exactly what she was. Like a scene from Little Havana, a gaggle of old Cuban men gradually drifted in from out of nowhere and seated themselves at the bar, ordering drinks and flirting. A few glanced sideways at Susan, who usually prevails in any impromptu cleavage contests and did this day, but a second glance in my direction convinced them to re-focus their attentions on the bartender. Susan claims that men are much friendlier to her when I am sitting at home, and it was interesting to witness them trying mightily to ignore her as I paid for lunch. We intend to try Prana again next month.

From Famine to Feast Cont...3-28-12

After we were seated, the service went downhill. I ordered a diet coke and Susan asked for water. The owner became a little distracted. A grubby guy at the register was asking to see him. The grubby guy represented a band and wanted to talk to the owner about hiring the band to play at Prana on weekends. Grubby produced a CD and recited several styles of music that the band could perform. The owner asked him to wait while he went into the kitchen. Just six minutes later, he came back with our drinks. Yes, people, I time wait staff, particularly if they are off to a slow start...their tip depends heavily on the accumulated minutes. Grubby continued his attempts to sell his band the owner. I found myself hoping that Grubby sang better than he talked. Personally, I thought the guy should have brought a laptop with him, flipped it open, and showed the owner a video of his band playing in a similar environment...but what do I know about marketing or blogging or even Search Engine Optimization anyway? I just lift weights...and wash my clothes on a regular basis, unlike Grubby. The owner told Grubby to cool his heels while he continued to wait on the only other occupied table and kibbitz with the people at it. After 10 long minutes, he came to take our order. I asked him what sandwiches were good, and he assured me that the fish sandwich was a top choice. I ordered it along with the house salad, enticed by the promise of avocodos, cherry tomatoes and several types of lettuce with a Guatemalen dressng. Susan ordered the chicken sandwich and the $6 bean soup. Just 10 minutes later the teeniest, tiniest cup came out, along with a plate of lettuce and onions. Our waiter was off and running back to the other table before I could say "Where are my avocados?" I flagged him down after his 2nd trip to the kitchen. He apologized, grabbed the plate, and disappeared into the kitchen yet again. Just nine minutes later, he reappeared with the correct salad, blaming himself instead of the chef. It was far too late by then to ask for a couple of oyster crackers for the bean soup. His tip was well into the negative zone by this time, but we had already commited too much time to go elsewhere. To be cont....

From Famine to Feast 3-22-12

We are always looking for new, interesting restaurants to try. We read about one in the Herald Tribune. The name of it is Prana. It has been open since Monday and it is located in the same building as a former nightclub called Krome. Two things about the article caught my eye. The first is that it has a Cuban theme to the menu, and we can only go to Columbia or Cha Cha Coconuts so many times...not to mention they are a nightmare to get to for lunch during Snowbird Season. The second is that the owners are a father/son team, and the son was a former sniper in the Afghanistan war! Prana was right next to a pawn shop on 301, just south of 12th street and I admit the area wasn't the toniest we have ever been to. Sue assured me that she was packin' heat though, and we had another destination in the area after lunch so we figured to kill two birds with one stone. The parking lot is rather hard to find and is in back and shared by the pawn shop. We walked through the small back door...and were immediately impressed by the black and white and chrome and glitz decor. The joint was clean...no, scatch that...it was immaculate! Dad seated us.  To be continued....

Poor Wet Thing 3-14-12

This time of year, Siesta Key Beach can be very busy. Unless one arrives before 10 am, it can be difficult to find a parking spot. On a cautionary note, just because the Parking Lot Full sign is out does not mean that a spot cannot be found. One has to be patient, hang back a little, and try to determine which beachgoers heading out to the lot are actually leaving for the day. During season, however, Susan and I avoid the area entirely between peak hours. Instead, we frequent Turtle Beach at least once a week. Admittedly the sand is hotter, but the trek from the parking lot is less arduous. If we take my little car instead of one of the Corvettes, we can jump the curb near the boat ramp and park in the tiniest of spots on the grass. Not too long ago, I was lying on Turtle Beach, minding my own business, with my camera and telephoto lens nearby. A young lady was taking pictures of some dolphins while standing in the water, and a rogue wave managed to soak her white suit bottom! Needless to say, I felt just terrible for her. The bottom became very clingy, and I thought it best to photograph the situation so that Susan would know what materials to avoid next time she purchased a new suit for herself. I did not want to be obvious or cause the young lady embarassment when I took the photo, so I did the right thing. I asked Susan to pose behind the young lady, and then I took the photo over Susan's shoulder. See below.
.

I felt a great deal of compassion
for this young lady after she got
soaked. She was at great risk for
getting too chilly and I was on the
verge of offering to dry her off with my
towel, but Sue said something about pigs
flying and I thought better of it.

More dating news 3-11-12

Many regular readers will recall the post of 2-7-12 in which I speculated as to whether my co-worker would continue to see a young man that one of our members set her up with. We shall call the young man Kyle. To say the least, it has been a rocky road. The first meeting did not come off as planned. My co-worker cancelled at the last minute by text. A second meeting happened. My co-worker claimed there were no sparks. Apparently one of the two felt sparks, however. When my co-worker did not respond to Kyle's repeated texts suggesting another rendevous, Kyle took action. He traveled to her other job, and "hung out" there for TWO HOURS. He tipped her generously as well. My co-worker claimed (quite lamely, I thought) that Kyle was "cramping her style" during his prolonged visit. I suspect otherwise. Stay tuned.

Can't Win 'Em All 3-6-12

Even a regular reader with the shortest of memorys will recall that we arranged a meeting with Sue's Michigan friend  L and a tall, single client. We met at Casey Key Fish House at 4:30 on Saturday. It is with some sadness that I must report the encounter went quasi-smoothly, and certainly without the initial fireworks that I observed when they first met at the gym. The waiter was shy and hard to find. He also had amnesia and forgot one item after another. L had a great deal of trouble getting a second cup of wine, and for a minute it looked as though I would be eating my seafood pasta with my fingers. In addition, I can now officially report that the portions and quality during season are considerably smaller and poorer than during...oh...say...July. The dinner ended when L took her last swallow of wine and we tipped Molasses, our waiter, a hefty, well deserved 12 per cent. Sasha stayed home, chilling on one of her favorite sofas.

If we can't get Sasha to
settle down soon, we are
going to ask the Vet for a
prescription for Xanax.

We did it again 3-2-12

Some of you may have heard about Sue's friend coming in for a visit. "L" lives in Michigan, but she got cold and informed Sue that she would be down here by Thursday. L is a tall, outspoken brunette with large white teeth and a raspy voice that she assures us is NOT from smoking. She claims that she had the same voice as a teenager. Yeah, right. This morning, L was sitting at the front desk, waiting to go to St. Armands Circle with Sue. A tall, eligible client noticed L immediately. He vaulted two workout benches in order to introduce himself. L seemed to be hanging on every word the client had to say. The four of us are meeting at Casey Key Fish House at 4:30 tomorrow. Will L be staying at our house for the remainder of her visit, or somewhere else? Will L be using the second half of her roundtrip ticket when it's time to head back to Michigan....or not?!?! Stay tuned.

The lure of the open water 2-25-12

The company boat has been down in Sarasota for nearly 6 months. It is being stored in a doorless pole barn off of Clark about a mile and a half east of I-75. This boat is only 25 feet long, as opposed to the last company boat, which was 42 feet long. The last boat was a huge 42 foot Miami Vice offshore, and looked like it would top out at 90 mph...but in reality struggled to get up to 50. The current boat is only 25 feet long and at first glance seems as though it's top speed would be 50 mph, but it's large engine and light weight propel it to 75. The outdrive of a boat is the part that sticks out of the back end, and the propeller attaches to it. While sitting in my driveway in Michigan, a friend of Sue's daughter cut her entry a little close...and hit the propeller. She broke the lower outdrive unit. Thus finding a new lower unit was the first order of business after we towed the boat to Florida. The new lower unit is on and the boat is seaworthy again. To be cont....



This pic was taken in the pole
barn where we store the boat.
Note the fearless guard dog in
the foreground. The little friend
you see behind her lives at the 
farm and follows Sasha
everywhere. 



Dog update 2-12-12

Spent an hour in the backyard last Monday with Sasha. I was trying to collect some vitamin D. Our fearless dog was hunting squirrels. After some time, a particularly threatening squirrel ventured down from his tree and began to boldly munch some nuts on the ground. I marveled at the animals audacity, and Sasha immediately went into full stalking mode. Our old but brave hunting dog kept her gaze steadfast on the furry prize. Oblivious to it's imminent danger, the squirrel continued enjoying what could have been his last nut. After one minute, Sasha had shortened the distance between them from 40 feet to only 30. Suddenly her instincts took over, and she lunged toward her prey. White fur flew and her fat rolled in waves across her body as she rushed in at speeds approaching 10 miles an hour! The hapless squirrel noticed her immediately...and decided to finish eating! Finally, when death by doggie was only 10 feet away, the foolish critter turned and scampered back up the tree. Only seconds later our chubby, heroic pet had the tree surrounded, daring the squirrel to come down one more time. And thus ended another contest between hunter and hunted in our wild and untamed backyard. We lasered her arthritic hind legs and front elbows this evening. Next time those two foes meet, the prey may not be so lucky.

No Valentine for my co-worker? 2-7-12

I spent part of the morning feeling sorry for one of our trainers. She mentioned that she intended to spend Valentine's Day with her young nephew. It was at that moment I realized she did not have a significant other to spend the day with. When I mentioned that I wished to alert our clientele of her plight in case they had somebody waiting in the wings who could step in...she insisted on keeping her dilema private. Naturally, I shall respect her wishes. This post is merely to express how stunned I was that she is unable to find a suitable boyfriend. It also has posed several other questions. Has she had any recent offers? She seems quite confident and likable in the studio, but perhaps she is very timid or nervous on dates? Or does she come on too strong, demanding certain things that a gentleman simply does not do on a first date? I shall try to obtain additional information about her situation and post it here before Valentine's Day.

The catfish has retired 2-1-12

Many of you have expressed concern about the large, striped Panga catfish that resided in the back fish tank. He had a large boo-boo on the front of his snout from the last fish tank. The boo-boo was a recurring injury after he continually failed to stop before hitting the glass sides of the old tank. In fact, we suspect that these continous impacts hastened the demise of the last tank. The broken 72 gallon was replaced with the 125 gallon tank about five weeks ago...and the Panga catfish has not eaten since. We tried every little delicacy that we could think of, and Eminem the Oscar gulped down every one of them with gusto---but still the Panga refused to eat. We tried several types of medicine to heal the injury on his nose, but his condition never changed. Thus it was with a heavy heart that we decided to release him into a large pond on a small farm 1 mile east of I-75. Lacking a net large enough for the 18" long catfish, we cornered him in a bucket placed below the surface of the water. Then we immediately transferred him to a huge tupperware container and placed a lid on it to calm him. Sasha volunteered to accompany me and Panga to the farm, as she enjoys wandering around the property. The release into the pond went without a hitch, and Panga swam happily off. I shall check on him this weekend when Sasha and I go back to work on the boat that is stored there.

Our toughest trainer? 1-23-12

Most of you have met our trainer Laura by now. If our staff has an "aerobics queen," Laura would the closest match. Laura likes to enter contests. But she does not enter baking contests or anything having to do with swimsuits or talent competitions. No, that would be too safe. Laura likes to enter grueling, mud soaked marathon obstacle course types of contests. I'm sure that any tendonitis in her knees becomes a distant memory when she passes some dude on the course as he gasps for air. I sort of get it. I like to do something different every once in a while as well. Just the other day I was checking around for an open casting call for local ballet recitals until I couldn't find my toe shoes and leotard. Laura felt compelled to enter the Warrior Dash. I accept this, even if she has to come to work using a walker.

Going on Vacation 1-19-12

Full time employment, for a personal trainer, is 30 hours per week. Susan and I work about 30 hours a week from January to July, and a little less otherwise.  Our original business plan called for us to work 20 to 25 hours a week after we moved down. We intended to use our spare time for boating and to write and edit my third novel. Our Sarasota clientele, however, is even more health and fitness oriented than we anticipated and we found ourselves eager to get to work every morning. We seldom leave the area because Sarasota has all of the restaurants, beaches and shopping that one could desire. But that does not satisfy everyone...no it does not.
Jim and Sue D. work out here on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Sue's main line of business was nursing. As to Jim's main business, I would rather not elaborate beyond the word "trusses." They have been wintering on Siesta Key for many years. I can't blame them. Michigan is harsh or depressing for 7 months of the year. They have become experts on where to dine and what to do in and around Sarasota. Jim and Sue fully realize they selected the ideal getaway area years ago. Both of their Chihuahua's agree. So what does one do when they live in the perfect vacation spot? Well, they go ON VACATION, of course. Neither Jim nor Sue will be working out at their usual times next week? How come? Well, they are going on a CRUISE! St. Martin and several other miniscule islands are on the agenda for the 150 passenger sailing ship they will board. St. Martin....I seem to recall a client telling me about her experience on Orient Beach on St. Martin. I remember her mentioning it is a nude beach. Oh gosh. I am sure that neither Jim nor Sue have any idea about the existence of this hedonistic piece of sand. I should probably warn them...or make sure they pack a good camera so that I can verify my other clients story.

Siesta Key Tragedy 1-15-12

As many of you already know, a lady was killed on Siesta Key by a drunk driver. Her injured dog was found and rescued from the bay by a kayaker. The 22 year old drunk driver was fleeing the scene of a collision with a pickup truck at speeds approaching 80-90 miles per hour. His car first struck a light pole and then the lady. What you will not read in the paper is that the lady was struck so hard that body parts were recovered some distance from the body. I will not go into further detail about that, nor do I intend to rehash the driver's encounter with police officers at the pavilion prior to the crash. The papers have covered it fairly and in sufficient detail. I would like to suggest, however, that the word "accident" should not be used to describe what this piece of human sewage did to this mother and wife. Calling it an "inevitable" might be a little closer, but too harsh. I read that the jerk broke at least 9 different laws. The only solution offered by the surrounding residents? Lower the speed limit from 40 to 30 mile per hour. Sure, that should make it all better.

Catfish Circling the Drain 1-9-12

I apologize for the continued bad new. The large silver and gray catfish in the front tank is not long for this world either. He went on a hunger strike about 3 weeks ago. The disruption that occurred when the old tank broke stressed him out even more. He was always very jumpy and prone to bashing his nose on the sides of the old tank during furious darts to and fro. I checked his brakes a year ago. He turns out he doesn't have any. The boo boo on his nose refuses to heal this time. His fins continue to deteriorate. I have medicated the water to no avail thus far. I shall ask him discreetly if he has a last will and testament.

RIP Lazerus 12-6-12

I am not going to sugarcoat this. The largest of the two albino Oscars, Lazerus, has died. As you know, the main fish tank cracked and he and Eminem were relegated to the same 5 gallon bucket until sufficient water could be conditioned for the new tank. Alas, there was not enough oxygen in the bucket to support both fish. A few close friends swam in for the funeral, but we did not have time for eloborate preparations due to the short notice. On a more upbeat note, a bit of gossip. Many of the morning clients know Wes and his wife Johnnie. But Johnnie was not always married to Wes. At one point, Johnnie was married to a professional baseball pitcher! That's right---the man pitched for several seasons with the Washington Senators! What other little tidbits about her past has Johnnie left out? I shall find out and report back here forthwith.  

Computer fixed after a messy affair 1-1-12

Happy New Year from the staff at Classic. That last year went by fast, didn't it? I have not posted for some time for a very good reason. Eight days ago ( on Christmas Eve) I walked into the gym to find the last four gallons of the large (72 gallon) fish tank leaking onto the floor. The albino Oscars, Lazerus and Eminem, were flopping around on the bottom. Panga, the large catfish, was doing likewise. They were pretty mad and VERY concerned. I rushed to a clean bucket and began drawing conditioned water out of the front tank. I scooped the Oscars into the bucket and wrestled Panga into the back ten gallon fish tank that is normally reserved for goldfish.
The top brace on the tank had split! As a result the sides bowed out, and the flat glass at the back of the tank split vertically! My best guess is that the leaking began not more than five minutes before I walked in. Five more minutes, and the fish would have been goners. Nevertheless, neither Oscar showed any appreciation whatsoever. Both moped on their sides at the bottom of their bucket, looking up at me with a forlorn eye. Lazerus kept moving his lips, and I was able to tell what he was saying. "This is the worst Christmas ever," he claimed. It was not until later that I noticed the screen on my computer was dimmer...as though the deluge from the fish tank had soaked the power supply on the floor, which is exactly what happened. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would have to switch to my backup computer. We had to act fast. There are several large tanks for sale at any one time on Craigslist, but the holiday might present a problem when it came to contacting the sellers.  To be cont...